I almost had a breakdown in the food court of a shopping centre today. Even the most healthy of food options weren’t appealing, had too many carbs, weren’t healthy enough and I almost cried.
Today I am not going to talk about fashion or makeup, I’m not going to tell you guys a recipe or give you guys my current wish list. In fact today i’m going to touch on a personal subject that is probably a bit controversial (and wordy, so grab a cuppa if you want) i’m going to talk about my unhealthy relationship with food.
Now a bit of background, I have always struggled with my weight and body image, unfortunately unforgiving genetics and years of eating badly have put me in a position where I really struggle to lose weight or have even the slightest of body confidence. I have been above average weight my entire life, and even though I eat well the majority of the time and exercise regularly, I have to fight tooth and thumb with my genetics to lose even a pound.
Things like my episode today actually happen all the time to me. This isn’t a rare occurrence and in fact it happens daily or even multiple times a day. I will be having the best eating day and have 1 treat and literally feel horrible about myself. Many times I have toyed with the idea of just not eating anything when I feel this way, but the rational side of me knows that is very unhealthy for my body and that I need to fuel it with good foods.
We are told from a young age how we should look, every fashion magazine, website, billboard, tv show and movie give us woman and girls that have figures that society and media tells us we should all have. Anyone above a size 10 is considered “plus-sized” or “curvy” which is crazy considering the average sized woman nowadays is a size 12 and by no means do most women who fit into a size 10-12 fit into the category of “plus sized”. I know there is nothing wrong with being plus sized and I envy those women who feel comfortable in their own skin at any size. At 23 years old I thought I would be past the days of staring at my flaws in the mirror but here I am, just as self conscious as 16 year old Jess and wondering if I will ever be comfortable in MY own skin.
I read an article today in the newspaper that was talking about plus- sized or curve models versus underweight models.It talked about how both ends of the spectrum get hate and criticism and that you can’t please everyone, and I 100% agree. I think society and the media tell us how we should look, that we should lose weight, how we should lose it, but then they preach that we should love our bodies and embrace our individuality which in turn sends overwhelming and mixed messages!
We spend so much of our time and effort being told how and what to feel about ourselves, I think the effect it has on how we thing about food can be very dangerous and cause horribly negative effects on impressionable minds, or even the most resilient minds will eventually cave under the pressure to look a certain way.
I’d like to say that one day I will love myself as I am, that I will appreciate all the time and effort I have put into bettering myself and my body. I’d like to say I don’t have an eating disorder , maybe I do…maybe I don’t.
But I know I have an unhealthy relationship with food and I wanted to share my experience to let anyone else struggling with themselves know they aren’t alone & that we are in they together<3!
Thank you so much for reading and being here with me!